After seeing the movie “LOVE HARD”, I have been enlightened to believe that true Love exist and sometimes what we are looking for love in other places when what we seek is right in front of us. It takes some soul searching to embrace what you are destined to have, to be fulfilled in life. The story is a classic story of shear “Catfishing”. A young woman perhaps 30 or older looking for love in local places but failing miserably. So what does she do to make this aspect of her life a service to someone else she joins a column making money selling her story.

 Let see what I truly mean is that I have been a lot of things at a lot of different times. Almost as if I was an actor in a play or film but I did not study my lines because I did not choose them. For example in my youth it was not uncommon for a young lady to buy particular clothing, wear certain colors, mimic certain behaviors to be in a particular popular group. That was not me, I always wanted to be the person that could speak to anyone with respect regardless to whether I was in the in crowd or not it simply did not matter. At least not in school, being an average student, average associates that were predominately in my community, attending the church I attended at the time. Coming from a very religious family we were not allowed to do very much but we did have friends.

Memory lane, I distinctly recall dating Darrell a twin to Darnell, I saw Darnel first he looked like a walking box of dark chocolate. I had butterflies in my stomach. At this time one of my girlfriends that I met in church she went to all the upcoming gospel concerts and I wanted to go with her so I provided the transportation to a church concert that the twins were singing in on Sunday. On this same day there was a boat ride to kick off this gospel event on the Long Island Sound. Love on the water, I definitely wanted to stand next to Darnell on this boat. Guess what, that didn’t happen this dude comes waltzing down the walkway with his girlfriend. That’s right I said, “His girlfriend”.

Okay, Okay, I did not do my research to find out if he was taken nor did I seem to care. Laughing to myself but it just so happens that on this big boat filled with “Quartet Gospel Music singers from Connecticut. The water whirling underneath the boat, it was chilly but beautiful. There are moments, when it seems that the earth and time stops. As the darkness began to fall, the moon shined brighter than I had ever seen it. I stood alone this tall dark chocolate man with glasses walked up to me. Unsure of what our first words were all I heard is, “I know you really wanted to be with my brother but I would really like the chance to talk to you.” After that you will never guess what he did, this dark chocolate man started singing to me. Yes, he sang something like, “If we find the moonlight we will find the day’ it was a song that he wrote. This blossomed into romance, the man I actually thought that I would grow old with but he loved a lot of women. We enjoyed being alone spending time together, I did not know what I wanted. Naturally, he wanted something solid, like anyone there is a time when you have to know to move on to better things, brighter horizons and new territory.

Shortly after that there was at least 24 more failed relationships some occurred before some after. Nevertheless, each one different in dynamic with the same common denominator “ME”. Yep, myself negative thoughts, self-sabotaging behavior, lack of self-love, the way I would punish myself for allowing someone else too mistreat me. I had no ability to see outside of my situation, I had nothing within speaking to me telling me to love myself. It seemed as though the part of my life that kept me together fell apart somehow. Being in a place where I can truly see without obscurity that I am important, I do matter, my life is worth exploring, valuing, taking time to nurture the vital parts of me that make me unique and if that means letting go  of some people to find out who I really was destined to be then so be it. I always desired wholeness, at this point I did not seem whole.

A question that I have for myself is “Where do you go from here?” I have dated different cultures, but they never worked out. Each one distinctly different, the storyline the same, like, lust, sex, tried to love, loss of interest and then break up. Most of the time I was the leaving party, with a few exceptions. It appeared that maybe the right man is not out there for me. Now I see that the right man is within me. The Love, the passion, supportive communication, versatility, the colorful union, learning life’s lessons and celebrating holidays together. Begin building our own traditions, creating a life we love and reverence God, respect ourselves, others and be an example of love in this life.

Acknowledging that you have failed in life is not wrong. In all actuality it doesn’t mean that it will be this way forever. Changing your belief is when things fall into place, it is time to get creative, use what you have learned to build something that you enjoy having. Begin by identifying what you truly embrace, love, it is right in front of you. “Take a look at “You”, for me that may be Cooking, Music, showing love by sharing, happy moments with my family, new people, helping someone in need or just sitting in a beautiful space admiring in quiet contentment. There are a lot of blessings that were right in my hand that I gave away, some I care about others I did not lament because I did not know what I had so it did not really seem like a loss. Part of this is my personality and the other part is my PTSD even history of trauma. Again through all of the Sappy stories, spaghetti, Roast Beef momentous occasions the end masterpiece is to fall in Love with who I am and who I should be with will come to me. God is first everything else is second and no matter what you will come out on top. No matter the journey or course of difficulty it is for your making not your breaking. Understand that beauty, wisdom and fruit comes forth after the dirt.

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